Transcript:
When they adapt my life story,
It's gonna be a movie I wanna star Steven Yeun, but instead,
It's gonna star Michael Cera.
A best-selling biography that'll fly off the shelves,
Only because the world thinks it is Eugene-from-Buzzfeed's book.
Look, let's make it a one man show, off of Broadway, that'll win an award,
For best ensemble.
I will write, star in, and direct it,
Critics will make fun of my overachievement and praise me as a model for other POC artists.
I want every jump cut of the movie to include a different Asian actor.
No one will notice.
They'll erect a statue without a face,
It'll be a modern-day terracotta warrior,
Always nameless, always buried.
They will reboot the 80s board game "Guess Who?" with Asian Americans,
But it will unfortunately be discontinued due to its "difficulty for white audiences."
Poetry, written by [...], I meant, Michael Derrick Hudson,
I meant, let's make it a "choose your own protagonist,"
It'll have subtitles at the bottom of the screen,
I will be speaking English the entire time,
Shoot a documentary and people will still not be sure if I'm actually in it,
This is really just a lesson on how to hide in plain sight,
The HBO Miniseries Executives sent the contracts to Alan Yang,
White dudes who took one class in Asian Studies in college will write think pieces about my life,
And how it is inauthentic,
And racist!
I'll be recast as someone sexier, because Hollywood cannot imagine an Asian romantic lead
Even in my own life,
There'll be no credits, because why bother?
I will always play the sidekick to my own story,
There'll be a scene, where five-year-old Alex is obsessed
With ninjas, and robots, and power rangers, and Boba Fett, because...
Well, they all look so fucking cool.
Who doesn't wanna be someone different?
And Alex can imagine himself wearing the mask to be different.
Or to be the same,
Or to fit in for once by hiding his face.
Anyone can be under the helmet so why not me?
No one else looks like me.